Funny Tweets About Married Life

If there’s one thing everyone agrees on, it’s that married life is a challenge. Between the thermostat Cold War, selective listening, and lost items, negotiating life with a partner can test even the best set of nerves. You don’t, however, have to look far on social media to find the humor in marriage. Here are some of the funniest comments about married life that have shown up on social media lately.

@bewgtweets 

Wife: Have you seen the dog bowl?

Me: No, is he any good?

@mom_tho

My husband keeps telling everyone i messed up his breakfast because I forgot to make him toast, so he got mad at me because he’s “lack-toast intolerant” and then laughs and laughs. They don't warn you about endless dad jokes; they should, but they don’t.

@Marlebean

Me to anyone else:  “It's in that cabinet."

Me to my husband: “It's in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It's bright green. It's right there. IT'S RIGHT THERE!”

@RodLacroix

Wife: Go to the paint store and get two gallons of paint.

Me: Okay.

Paint store clerk: That will be $160.

[HOME]

Wife: Where's the paint?

Me: They were sold out.

@thedad

My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like, “and then we’ll pick up the kids and go straight from there.”

@IHideFromMyKids

My husband could never cheat on me because he would literally need me to make that plan for him.

@DanRegan

My wife can’t remember the password she created yesterday, but remembers what I said on June 12, 2015 at 1:47 p.m.

@StruggleDisplay

Marriage is telling your spouse you heard about a cool new restaurant on Monday, only for them to repeat to you on Friday, “There’s this cool new restaurant I just heard about.”

@HenpeckedHal

It’s smug the way my wife walks into the kitchen, casually opens a drawer, and pulls out the exact item she needs on the first try.

@Parkerlawyer

I’ve been on a diet for 4½ months and have dropped 30 pounds.  

Husband, out of nowhere tonight: “Did you do something different with your hair?"

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“Picasso of Pumpkin Carvers” Brings Artistry to Halloween

When fall arrives and leaves start changing color, Mike Valladao, a systems engineer at a cybersecurity company in California, slips into his alter ego, Farmer Mike, also known as the “Picasso of Pumpkin Carvers.” Farmer Mike has been chiseling whimsical faces and comical creatures into big pumpkins for more than four decades. Wearing his trademark orange overalls and farmer hat, he has sculpted hundreds of gourds into ghoulish faces, seaside landscapes, dragons and pop culture figures such as Yoda and Charlie Brown. While he has no formal artistic training, he says he gets his ideas from just walking down the street. “Sometimes I’ll look at somebody and I’ll think, oh, I like the teeth or I like ears or the way the nostrils flare,” he said. Farmer Mike said he stumbled into his artistic hobby after he began growing big pumpkins at his San Jose home in the mid-1980s. He didn’t know what to do with the massive gourds, so he pulled out a knife and started carving faces into them. He uses Atlantic pumpkins that can weigh anywhere from 100 to 1,000 pounds. They’re particularly good because they have thick skins that allow him to cut protruding facial features, shallow or deep. “It’s fun, it’s enjoyable, and, quite frankly, it’s a piece of me,” said Mike.

 

 

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Cracking a Smile Regularly May Be Good For Your Health

Rather than waiting for a reason to smile, making the physical change of literally turning that frown upside down could impact emotions. Research has found that smiling goes a long way. According to Dr. Judy Ho, a clinical and forensic neuropsychologist, smiling is a coping strategy for patients suffering from depression or anxiety. That’s because it affects your cortisol level, a hormone the body releases to help regulate stress and mood. Smiling can also affect brain chemicals that are associated with positive feelings, including endorphins, dopamine and serotonin. The hope is that if you smile enough, you will begin to feel it emotionally. Even if you have to fake a smile, the physical act of flexing your facial muscles tricks your brain into releasing a cocktail of feel-good neurotransmitters. While the emotional benefits include mood elevation and stress relief, smiling also has physical health benefits. Not only does smiling lower your blood pressure and heart rate, it acts as a natural pain reliever in the form of endorphins, with zero side effects. Smiling also boosts your immune system and buffers stress, which can increase longevity. Smiling can be tough when you’re having a bad day or just aren’t in the right mood, but like everything else — practice makes perfect.

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Cheesy Baked Spaghetti Squash

Spaghetti squash earns its name once you roast it: the flesh pulls apart into tender, spaghetti-like strands that are naturally low in carbs and calories. Just toss the strands with good-quality jarred marinara sauce, top them with shredded cheese and crispy bread crumbs, and bake everything until gooey and golden brown. It makes a comforting vegetarian main course or a delicious side dish for meatballs or Italian sausage. 

Servings: 4-6

Ingredients:

• • 2 medium spaghetti squash
• • 1 tbsp extra-virgin olive oil
• • Salt
• • Freshly ground black pepper
• • 1¾ cups jarred marinara sauce
• • 2 tsp chopped fresh thyme or ¾ tsp dried, plus more for serving
• 1½ cups shredded whole milk mozzarella cheese
• 3 tbsp finely grated Parmigiano-Reggiano
• 1½ tablespoons unsalted butter, melted
• ¾ cup panko breadcrumbs

Directions:

• • Preheat oven to 400º F and set oven rack in the middle position.
• • Line a baking sheet with heavy-duty aluminum foil.
• • Cut a sliver off the stem end of each squash. This creates a flat surface to cut the squash in half.
• • Stand each squash upright on a cutting board and slice in half.
• • Scrape out the seeds and discard them.
• • Place the squash halves cut side up on the prepared baking sheet.
• • Drizzle with oil and sprinkle evenly with salt and pepper.
• • Flip the squash halves so they are cut side down.
• • Roast for 40-50 minutes, until the squash is golden brown and tender when pierced with a fork.
• • Flip the squash halves so they are cut side up and let cool.
• • Scrap out and fluff the strands.
• • Increase the oven temperature to 425º F.
• • Place the strands in a large bowl and add marinara sauce, ¾ teaspoon salt, ¼ teaspoon pepper, and thyme and toss gently until the squash is evenly coated. Taste and add adjust seasoning if necessary. 
• • Transfer the mixture to an ungreased 9 x 13 baking dish. • Sprinkle the mozzarella cheese evenly over top, followed by the Parmigiano-Reggiano.
• • In a small bowl, combine the melted butter with the panko, and mix until the panko is evenly coated. 
• • Sprinkle the panko mixture evenly over the cheese. 
• • Bake for 25-30 minutes, or until the top is golden. 
• • Let cool for a few minutes, then sprinkle with more fresh thyme and serve.

 

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